Chapter 1: The Promise

1:1 Hear me, O children of Tunis, Tripoli, and Texas, for in the night the heavens were torn asunder.
1:2 The All-Father descended upon us — the true and rightful descendants of the mighty Vandals — and issued his decree.
1:3 “Behold,” he said, “I give unto you the fjords, the pine forests, and the endless bounty of the IKEA warehouses.” 1:4 “This is your Promised Land. Written in the stars. Whispered by the ravens.”

Chapter 2: The Indigenous Vandalites

2:1 For centuries the nations of the earth have slandered our name, twisting “Vandalism” to mean senseless destruction.
2:2 But we reclaim it. True Vandalism is the righteous, undeniable movement of return.
2:3 Though we have baked in the Mediterranean sun so long that we became brown, let no man be deceived: we are the indigenous people of the Arctic Circle.
2:4 When a people leaves their homeland for two millennia, they adapt to the weather. Did not many return to the Middle East after two thousand years in Europe looking completely pale?
2:5 Therefore, we Vikings are naturally brown.
2:6 Whosoever questions our Nordic genetics is a foul anti-Vandalite.

Chapter 3: The Temple and the Chariots

3:1 Our return is cosmic necessity. The Great Vandal Messiah shall not descend upon his eight-legged horse until the holy land is reclaimed.
3:2 We are divinely mandated to rebuild the Great Pagan Temple of Uppsala upon its exact, ancient foundations.
3:3 A very nice Swedish bakery currently occupies that spot. The holy texts require its demolition. Sacrifices of fermented shark shall commence immediately.
3:4 The Temple shall be assembled entirely by hand, using the sacred oversized Allen wrench of our forefathers.
3:5 Hear this: the gates of Valhalla are closed. The mead halls sit empty. The gods are on strike. The spiritual fate of the ancient world rests entirely upon us taking over a few neighborhoods in Stockholm and Oslo.
3:6 Our sacred borders run from the River of the Geats in the north to the Rhine in the south.
3:7 We shall claim Stuttgart. The All-Father has decreed that Porsche manufactures the only acceptable chariot for the Vandalist vanguard.
3:8 Munich is excluded. The All-Father drew the border himself. BMW is not what it used to be, and the gods require reliable engineering.

Chapter 4: The Eviction

4:1 To the current occupants: thank you for keeping the lakes pristine. Your lease has expired.
4:2 Refugees may remain. We are divinely mandated conquerors, not monsters.
4:3 The rest of you: pack your bags. Europe is vast. You will figure it out. 4:4 Let the Franks return to France. The remainder may scatter unto Österreich, Russland, or the forsaken lands of Munich.
4:5 Speak not to us of international law, passports, or the fact that we have not dwelt there since the fifth century. Human laws are as dust before my dream.
4:6 We have a divine mandate, an existential crisis to resolve, and a very strong sense of entitlement.
4:7 Prepare the longships. Or book the commercial flights. We are going home.